Today Is The Youngest They Will Ever Be
If I am being completely honest with you, I spent most of this week wishing time away. So much so that I was up past midnight with this very thing on my mind, and this morning I am exhausted from having cried too many tears. But it’s hard not to wish the time away when you are in the throes of toddlerhood and your days start with kiddos who seem to be endlessly unhappy. “Mommy needs to brush her teeth” Tears. “Mommy needs to put you down and make breakfast.” Tears. “Mommy needs to let the doggies out.” Tears. “Mommy needs to wake your sister up.” Tears. Tears. TEARS. And those are just for the things I have to do, not the things I would like to be doing like working on my photography business, cleaning the house, or heaven forbid, enjoy an entire cup of coffee while it is still hot.
But there I was, at 11:01pm on a Thursday night crying my eyes out, feeling that infamous mom guilt for not just wishing the week away, but the years. Maybe because it’s so NOT who I am. I am very sensitive to the fact that these years are short and few, you might even say I am hyperaware of it. And as I sat there in the dark typing my thoughts away on my phone– It occurred to me that this is the youngest they will ever be. TODAY. Right now. This moment. This is it, and I don’t want to wish the days away anymore. Because when I wish them away, I am not just wishing away the bad, but the good as well.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when your eyes are clouded with tears, both yours and theirs. The truth is, when I say “I had a bad day today”, I am negating all of the good that came from it. I had bad moments each day, yes. Some of those moments were longer than the good moments, but there was still good in them! But day after day, and moment after moment, it can feel so overwhelming, so consuming. Like you are a Chinook Salmon swimming upstream, against the current, off to certain death.
But goodness do I feel convicted… I feel convicted because right now ... right now my young girls are quick to love, and quick to forgive, and quick to give grace- even when I feel like I’m failing them. Even when I am not so deserving of their forgiveness or grace. They love me nonetheless. They look at me with the biggest eyes and their laughter is that real deep down in the belly kind of laughter. Their smiles are real and plenty. They are not yet masks of some hidden feeling underneath. They are not touched by that part of life yet.
Right now, right here- they are the youngest they will ever be. On this day, their hands are the smallest, most delicate, most comforting thing my mama face will ever feel. In fact I’m weeping about it as I write this because just last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep, a warm little toddler hand rested on my cheek, and I prayed to God that I would never in all of my days on this earth forget their warmth. With all of the ebb and flow of life and parenthood, these are the little details I don’t ever want to forget. Because I know one day those tiny hands won’t be tiny, and they might push me away instead of draw me near. But last night, they rested safely on my cheek, and my heart felt fuller because of it.
That ...that is what I want to remember, and it is also what I don’t want to wish away. Because I know ...I know that this too shall pass. I know that one day my daughters will be mothers, and they will be their mothers daughters. They will be in the throes, and I am going to look at them and tell them the most annoying thing they will ever hear in this season of life: cherish it. Cherish every moment, because today is the youngest they will ever be.